“I don’t want to be married anymore,” Samantha said, between uncontrollable gasps as she sat on the living room couch during a New England snow storm. His hands shook as he heard the words that no happily married man or woman ever wants to hear. Michael rigidly sat facing her and watched the tears streaming down her flushed face.
“What do you mean?” he asked.
“I don’t want to be married anymore,” she repeated, looking down at her folded arms.
“But I thought we loved each other?” he asked with his voice crackling. He reached to touch her.
Quickly, Samantha snatched her hand away. “I don’t love you anymore.”
Michael pulled his handkerchief out of his back pocket and wiped his eyes. He gazed at her long, straight brown hair and her rosy cheeks. When they met, he thought she was the prettiest woman he had ever seen—like a model who just stepped out of Vogue magazine. After a long silence, he asked in a weak voice, “You don’t love me?”
“No.”
“How long have you felt this way?”
“A few months.”
“What. Did you just wake up one morning and decide you didn’t love me?”
She took a deep breath. “I didn’t choose … it just happened.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Lately, I’ve felt more and more detached from you. Our sparse conversations were no longer easy. Every time we discussed anything, you misunderstood me. We had difficulty making decisions–simple decisions–like where to go for dinner. There was a gap. We were on different pages.”
“Well, I knew I hadn’t been as responsive to you as I had been in the past. When I got sick, I became preoccupied with myself and with my health. But my love for you didn’t stop.”
Samantha said, “I wish you had told me you loved me; perhaps our relationship wouldn’t have deteriorated.”
He opened his arms. “I thought you knew how much I loved you.”
She outstretched her right arm, palm facing Michael. “I didn’t know. When I went for a walk each night before supper, I would cry the whole time. You never noticed that I was distressed; you never noticed how upset I was when I came back. I stopped looking forward to coming home from school. I stopped looking forward to weekends with you. I stopped looking forward to us. My love dwindled more and more each day.”
Michael squirmed on the couch. He massaged his lower lip. “Is there someone else?”
“No. I need to deal with you first,” Samantha snapped.
“Deal with me? How are you planning to deal with me?”
She sat back, pulled out some tissues, and blew her nose. “I think we need some time apart.”
Michael didn’t know what to say. “Do you mean a separation?”
“Yes.”
“But, how will I live without you?”
“You will. You’ll adjust.”
“If we don’t live together, will we have two apartments?”
“Yes.”
“You know we can’t afford two apartments with you in school?”
She leaned forward. “When our house closes in sixty days, we’ll have enough money to go on with our lives.”
Michael got up from the couch and walked toward the kitchen. “I need a cup of coffee. Do you want one?”
“Yes. Thank you.”
A few minutes later, Michael came back to the living room with two cups of coffee.
Samantha looked at her cup and said, “You always know how I like mine.”
He peered at her. “We’ve been married twelve years. I should know how you prefer your coffee!”
Samantha started to cry. Michael didn’t know what to do. He thought, should I hug her or comfort her in some way, or should I keep my distance now that I know how she feels?
“Sam, are you sure this is what you want?”
“Yes. I’m sure.”
Michael put his hand on Samantha’s hand and this time she didn’t resist. He thought, perhaps I still have a chance to save my marriage, to save our love.
He said, “I love you. I’ve always loved you. When we met, I knew you were the one–my soulmate. I knew no one else in the world could complete me. I don’t want to give up what we have, what we’ve built.”
“It’s too late.”
Michael sat up straight, almost at attention. “What will we do until we get another place? We only have one bedroom with only one bed.”
She leaned in and said, “We can sleep in the same bed. We’ll wear pajamas and we won’t have sex. At least I understand you well enough to know you’ll cooperate.”
Michael was more confused than ever. He thought, she doesn’t love me, she wants a separation, but she’s okay sleeping in the same bed with me. Women are such enigmas.
After a few more sips of coffee, he said, “I’ll move out and you can keep the apartment.”
“Where will you go?”
“I’ve never liked New England winters.”
Samantha looked perplexed. “What do you mean when you say you don’t like the New England winters?”
“We’ve talked about moving to California after you’ve finished school. I thought, since I have to move out, this would be a good time for me to find an apartment in Anaheim.”
She started to cry again. “I meant we needed time apart, not to put the distance of an entire country between us.”
Michael said firmly, “I don’t want to move to another apartment here. If I’m going to move out, I want to choose where I’ll live.”
Michael could guess why Samantha picked now to tell him how she felt. The contract on their house had been signed a week ago and selling the house would relieve some of the financial strain. Samantha had also received an offer for a judicial clerkship in Los Angeles. He wondered if Sam really loved him all this time, or did she use him as a meal ticket like her mother used her father. Now that she had the ability to be financially independent, she wanted him out of her life.
*****
The next afternoon, while Samantha was studying, Michael went to the bedroom to take a nap. He felt Samantha sit next to him. “Can I ask you a few questions?”
“Sure.”
“When we were dating, I wanted to wait until marriage to make love. Although you weren’t happy with my decision, you respected me and waited. If I had gone along and had sex with you early on, would you have still respected me and would our relationship have been the same?”
Michael thought for a few minutes. “Our relationship is what it is. I don’t know if making love before marriage would have made our relationship any different.” After a pause, Michael asked Samantha, “Why are you asking me about this?”
“I just want to know.”
“Is there someone else you’re interested in?”
“No. Not really.”
Michael thought that Sam may be planning her next relationship. He said, “Guys are peculiar. They want to have sex with every girl they date, but don’t have respect for girls who are promiscuous. There is a fine line to walk. You must be true to yourself–not act or react according to what you think the other person wants. In that way, regardless of the outcome, you’ll always respect yourself.”
*****
Two weeks later during dinner, Samantha talked with Michael. “I usually have lunch with my friend Krista on one of the benches at the Commons outside the courthouse. Whenever I’m alone, a man in my class always sits next to me. I don’t like him and I don’t want him to sit with me, but I don’t know what to say to him.”
“Who is he?”
“He’s just a guy in my class.”
“Is he married?”
“No. He’s single and is always on the make. He seems like a ‘player’ to me.”
“Do you think he’s hitting on you?”
“That may be on his mind, but he’s playing it cool because he knows I’m married.”
“My guess is that he senses you are no longer happily married—you know, body language–and that you might be up for some action.”
“So, you’re saying that it’s my fault.”
“No, that’s not what I said.”
“Well, it sounds like blame to me. Anyway, I’m not interested in him in that way and I’m certainly not giving off that vibe.”
“Men are able to pick up on subtle things about women, as do women who can sense things about men. That’s the way it is. Guys always know when a girl is ripe for the pickin’.”
“Well, I’m going to tell him I prefer that he sit with someone else during lunch.”
A few days later, Samantha reported that she told Richard that she preferred eating lunch by herself. “When I told him, he put his hand on my thigh and told me to let him know when I changed my mind. I almost slapped him.”
“Maybe you should have slapped him.”
*****
Over the next month, Samantha invited Michael to walk with her each night before dinner. A few times when they returned, she poured two glasses of wine for them. They had many conversations about how they had dated, how they fell in love, how they married, and how their relationship grew.
When they spoke, Michael noticed that Samantha eyes were fixated on his. When they were in bed, she began touching his leg with her leg.
Michael wondered if Samantha was rekindling her love for him or was just horny. Michael had accepted his new relationship with Samantha–friendship.
One night, after they had gone to bed, Samantha put her arm around Michael and said, “I feel close to you again. Can I hold you?”
“Sure.”
They fell asleep with Samantha’s warm hand on Michael’s chest.
The next night, Samantha reached for Michael, but this time in a more aggressive way. Michael said, “Sam, I don’t want to do anything.”
“Michael, I have feelings for you again and I want to make love.”
“I can’t.”
Samantha sat up on the bed, obviously agitated. “What do you mean?”
Michael lay on his back and said, “Love is a two-way street. When a man and a woman date and develop feelings for each other, the feelings that grow over time are greater than their individual connection. They give more love back because they receive love from the other person. When you told me you no longer loved me, I lost more than your love, I lost what we cultivated over the years. I can never get that back; I can never trust you again when you say you love me; I can never love you again in the same way as I did before.”
*****
“Michael, I made a mistake. I thought that I fell out of love with you because you no longer told me how you felt. Certainly, you can understand that. Certainly, you can understand, by pushing me away now, you’re punishing me for being honest with you.”
“I think your honesty was in telling me that you no longer loved me, not in the reason why your love deteriorated.”
“A few weeks ago, when you were sick and I brought you cough drops at school, I saw the way Richard looked at you. I knew the relationship you had. I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you, but you can’t have back from me what you threw away for him.”
